The Road to Recovery out of that Lost Eon

New on the Celldweller Wish Upon a Blackstar Chapter 2 is the song Eon. It really speaks to me and expresses the feelings that I have regarding the last couple of years for me. 

The other day I had the occassion to speak with someone about a potential ministry opportunity and as I did so I was able to share some of te struggles that I've had over the last couple of years. What I noticed wad how good it felt to be able to share these feelings to a prospective co-laborer in Christ, trusting him and God to do what needs to be done with those feelings and thoughts. I've felt that Eon catches the tension I feel for awhile and I'm just now getting around to sharing it. Here's the lyrics:
 
I'm pacing inside this empty room
Told to wait til my life's withdrawn
Uneasy, I'm waiting here anxiously
It's a waste and I won't wait another Eon

Endless night
Long for light
My head against this tomb
And pushing through
I'm pushing through
Facedown and pushing through

Trapped and isolated
Time is dislocated
Eternity is what a moment seems
When I can't feel anything

Erasing my final memories
They wont stop til my whole life's gone
Uneasy, I wait for normality
It's a waste and I won't wait another Eon

When life is gone without a trace
And hope is lost in times embrace
I won't wait or hesitate; I'm pushing through facedown
I won't wait or hesitate; I'm pushing through

If times a song, I won't wait for its reprise
I am done wishing farewells and goodbyes
I won't let this place overshadow my birthright
I won't wait another Eon

Impatiently, I'm cutting through the earth in front of me
Bone on stone, blood and sweat married
Can't hear the voice that whispers fears when my heart is pounding in my ears
All I see in my mind is not what I've left behind
But all the things I've been missing in that lost Eon

Trapped and isolated
Time is dislocated
Eternity is what a moment seems
When I am lost inside this dream
When I can't speak and I can't scream
And I can't feel anything 


Several lines are worth noting:
Face down and pushing through- I have never given up. I have persevered. I'm gonna get a tattoo of the kanji for persevere, because I wasn't always sure I was coming out on the other side of this. 

I am done wishing farewells and goodbyes
I won't let this place overshadow my birthright- sometimes I feel like all I can see or feel is the mistakes I've made. When they are all I see they feel like they overshadow my future. They won't as long as I don't dwell on them and give them the power to overshadow my future.   

All I see in my mind is not what I've left behind
But all the things I've been missing in that lost Eon- similar idea, in order to move forward I have to stop dwelling on the past. I can never become who I'm supposed to be tomorrow of I never forgive myself for who I was yesterday. 

The chorus- sometimes time feels like it slows to a blur, not one of speed but one where everything just goes by in slow motion. It's in those moments where I am most vulnerable to dwell on my fears and my screw ups. It's in those moments that it's most critical to focus on how far I've come by the grace of God. 

I won't let this place (my past mistakes and my fears) overshadow my birthright

-- Eli

Frozen

Celldweller has a song entitled Frozen with some lyrics that have made me think critically about what I recently re-read in Rob Bell's Sex God. He was speaking on lust and how lust takes our focus off of God and almost more deviously twists our perceptions of things that were intended to be good. Like sex. God intended it to be a beautiful thing between husband & wife and lust (thu the work of Satan) has twisted it to something else. Bell speaks about David's son Amnon fell in love with his sister Tamar. And he lusted after her. Ultimately he raped her and became so enraged at the sight of her that Scriptures say he hated her more than he had loved her. The lyrics in Frozen say:

Inside this fantasy
It seems so real to me
Synthetic ecstasy, when her legs are open
True Love behind a wall
Where men and angels fall
A fading memory, when my mind is frozen

(I recommend Sebastian Komor's Filter Overdrive remix)

Synthetic. That's what lust is. Trading the real for the unreal. Bell goes on to say that lust becomes our master. When we want something so bad thAt we can't think of life without it, it owns us.

That's his point. And I think God's too. Lust, not just for sex, becomes our God very easily. When we focus on something and spend all of our thoughts on something it becomes our master. We then becomes frozen inside the fantasy that seems so real to us we are unable to see it isn't real.

I wonder who/what is our master?

-- Eli

Unabashedly Christian

I had the occassion just now watch several Christian band's music videos on a channel I didn't even know we got. It was refreshing to be reminded how far Christian music has come since I was wrapping up high school. It sucked back then. It is tons better now. In some ways it still leaves much to be desired, but it is better. It is tolerable an there are maNy bands that are actually good. There is also a wide selection to choose from.

My two cents for the penny it is worth.


-- Eli

A little homegrown congregating

Last nite I had the ocassion to spend time with a buddy of mine at Maude's a local coffee shop Ronda & I used to frequent. I hadn't been there in years, so this was my first time since we moved back. We were gonna meet at Starbucks, but they were closing.

Nick was amazed and enthralled at my streetfighter in the making. Mainly because it either looks like it rolled off the set of Mad Max or outta a junk yard (depending on the light!). Not everyone sees my vision and is able to understand my art. He was able to appreciate, though.

As we often do when we congregate, we spoke of theology, God, church and many things that just aren't right with the world. I must confess, with each congregating, I enjoythe tines more and more. It was cold as we reclined outside. I would have liked a little warmer weather. It would have made the reclining and the motorcycle ride a little warmer. Who am I to complain?

Coffee was good, the congregating better. Nick is a well thought out and versed man. Also rough around the edges, like myself. I appreciate immensely the type of Christianity he bring to the table. The type I imagine is very much like Christ.

It's 40 minutes past when I was supposed to start working. I must go. I bid you adieu.


-- Eli