The Road to Recovery out of that Lost Eon

New on the Celldweller Wish Upon a Blackstar Chapter 2 is the song Eon. It really speaks to me and expresses the feelings that I have regarding the last couple of years for me. 

The other day I had the occassion to speak with someone about a potential ministry opportunity and as I did so I was able to share some of te struggles that I've had over the last couple of years. What I noticed wad how good it felt to be able to share these feelings to a prospective co-laborer in Christ, trusting him and God to do what needs to be done with those feelings and thoughts. I've felt that Eon catches the tension I feel for awhile and I'm just now getting around to sharing it. Here's the lyrics:
 
I'm pacing inside this empty room
Told to wait til my life's withdrawn
Uneasy, I'm waiting here anxiously
It's a waste and I won't wait another Eon

Endless night
Long for light
My head against this tomb
And pushing through
I'm pushing through
Facedown and pushing through

Trapped and isolated
Time is dislocated
Eternity is what a moment seems
When I can't feel anything

Erasing my final memories
They wont stop til my whole life's gone
Uneasy, I wait for normality
It's a waste and I won't wait another Eon

When life is gone without a trace
And hope is lost in times embrace
I won't wait or hesitate; I'm pushing through facedown
I won't wait or hesitate; I'm pushing through

If times a song, I won't wait for its reprise
I am done wishing farewells and goodbyes
I won't let this place overshadow my birthright
I won't wait another Eon

Impatiently, I'm cutting through the earth in front of me
Bone on stone, blood and sweat married
Can't hear the voice that whispers fears when my heart is pounding in my ears
All I see in my mind is not what I've left behind
But all the things I've been missing in that lost Eon

Trapped and isolated
Time is dislocated
Eternity is what a moment seems
When I am lost inside this dream
When I can't speak and I can't scream
And I can't feel anything 


Several lines are worth noting:
Face down and pushing through- I have never given up. I have persevered. I'm gonna get a tattoo of the kanji for persevere, because I wasn't always sure I was coming out on the other side of this. 

I am done wishing farewells and goodbyes
I won't let this place overshadow my birthright- sometimes I feel like all I can see or feel is the mistakes I've made. When they are all I see they feel like they overshadow my future. They won't as long as I don't dwell on them and give them the power to overshadow my future.   

All I see in my mind is not what I've left behind
But all the things I've been missing in that lost Eon- similar idea, in order to move forward I have to stop dwelling on the past. I can never become who I'm supposed to be tomorrow of I never forgive myself for who I was yesterday. 

The chorus- sometimes time feels like it slows to a blur, not one of speed but one where everything just goes by in slow motion. It's in those moments where I am most vulnerable to dwell on my fears and my screw ups. It's in those moments that it's most critical to focus on how far I've come by the grace of God. 

I won't let this place (my past mistakes and my fears) overshadow my birthright

-- Eli

The New Year

I have never kept a New Year's Resolution & I highly doubt this year is gonna be any different. Therefore, I'm not making any New Year's Resolutions.

What I am doing is resolving to do something that is within my capability to accomplish. Let me rephrase that, I'm not resolving to do it , I'm just gonna do. I have decided to do it. 

In 2k10 I'm gonna be the best Eli that I can be. That menas many things on many levels to me. How that will play over the next year will surface in various forms. I got ideas but I'm not gonna share them right now.

Suffice it to say, 2k10 is the year of Eli being the best Eli he can be. 


-- Eli

This time last year…

As I ran on Saturday through 'my woods' my thoughts wandered to last Xmas. We were in Georgia. I had just finished another term at school, having told my classmates not to expect to see me again as j was moving for work. I had a start date planned fo a new job (which was actually an old for a second time). Life seemed good from the vantage point I was at...

I remember my New Year's Resolution being I wasn't going to have another crappy year (as with all resolutions, that didn't go as planned). It seems that life has a way of working itself out. Dr. Ian Malcolm would say that 'life finds a way' due to chaos theory. I would say that God finds a way... Maybe through chaos theory as well.

The outlook for 2k10 is much better than 2k9.

We live in a different town. We both have jobs. We are having more family time. The family time we have is more enjoyable. It is hard to complain at this time.

We are not where we want to be and our hopes for this coming are high. I do believe we are in a place in our lives thAt we are going to be able to make our goals come true. It is going to take hard work and determinAtion along tons of prAyer, but it is possible.

I'm not resolving to not have another crappy year in 2k10, that's impossible ( as fAr as my power to control or effect it… although with God nothing is impossible, which is why I say as far as my power). My resolve will be for something that I can actually do…

-- Eli