The Road to Recovery out of that Lost Eon

New on the Celldweller Wish Upon a Blackstar Chapter 2 is the song Eon. It really speaks to me and expresses the feelings that I have regarding the last couple of years for me. 

The other day I had the occassion to speak with someone about a potential ministry opportunity and as I did so I was able to share some of te struggles that I've had over the last couple of years. What I noticed wad how good it felt to be able to share these feelings to a prospective co-laborer in Christ, trusting him and God to do what needs to be done with those feelings and thoughts. I've felt that Eon catches the tension I feel for awhile and I'm just now getting around to sharing it. Here's the lyrics:
 
I'm pacing inside this empty room
Told to wait til my life's withdrawn
Uneasy, I'm waiting here anxiously
It's a waste and I won't wait another Eon

Endless night
Long for light
My head against this tomb
And pushing through
I'm pushing through
Facedown and pushing through

Trapped and isolated
Time is dislocated
Eternity is what a moment seems
When I can't feel anything

Erasing my final memories
They wont stop til my whole life's gone
Uneasy, I wait for normality
It's a waste and I won't wait another Eon

When life is gone without a trace
And hope is lost in times embrace
I won't wait or hesitate; I'm pushing through facedown
I won't wait or hesitate; I'm pushing through

If times a song, I won't wait for its reprise
I am done wishing farewells and goodbyes
I won't let this place overshadow my birthright
I won't wait another Eon

Impatiently, I'm cutting through the earth in front of me
Bone on stone, blood and sweat married
Can't hear the voice that whispers fears when my heart is pounding in my ears
All I see in my mind is not what I've left behind
But all the things I've been missing in that lost Eon

Trapped and isolated
Time is dislocated
Eternity is what a moment seems
When I am lost inside this dream
When I can't speak and I can't scream
And I can't feel anything 


Several lines are worth noting:
Face down and pushing through- I have never given up. I have persevered. I'm gonna get a tattoo of the kanji for persevere, because I wasn't always sure I was coming out on the other side of this. 

I am done wishing farewells and goodbyes
I won't let this place overshadow my birthright- sometimes I feel like all I can see or feel is the mistakes I've made. When they are all I see they feel like they overshadow my future. They won't as long as I don't dwell on them and give them the power to overshadow my future.   

All I see in my mind is not what I've left behind
But all the things I've been missing in that lost Eon- similar idea, in order to move forward I have to stop dwelling on the past. I can never become who I'm supposed to be tomorrow of I never forgive myself for who I was yesterday. 

The chorus- sometimes time feels like it slows to a blur, not one of speed but one where everything just goes by in slow motion. It's in those moments where I am most vulnerable to dwell on my fears and my screw ups. It's in those moments that it's most critical to focus on how far I've come by the grace of God. 

I won't let this place (my past mistakes and my fears) overshadow my birthright

-- Eli

The woods called to me like flies on stink

I will remember our first house in Athens growing up forever. It was a duplex and the dude that owned had finished the basement so it was the only duplex in the neighborhood that was two storey. It had a spiral staircase leading downstairs and a small deck off the kitchen up stairs. It was set on a hill so the back of the house and the downstairs was downhill from the front. Our neoghbor was a crazy cat-lady named Miss June who was a smoker and a teacher.

Behind the house was some woods with a creek in them. The woods ran parallel to the back of the house with the creek running the same direction. Going out the front door of the house and turning left took you to the end of the cul de sac. If you passed the house there, you go through a small patch of woods that shielded the homes from the railroad track. This track ran perpendicular to the creek. It had a phenomenal tressel to bridge the creek (it wasn't anything special to most, but to a 9 year old boy it was fantastic).

Abe and I use to love to enter the woods behind the house, bushwhack to the creek and then make our way to the train track via the creekbed. There was sandbars, logs, barbed wire fence and of course the creek. We could seem to make it to the train track without gettig wet and muddy. This of course, was part of the adventure. We always made it, but we were always wet and muddy. This was not a problem for Abe and I.

What was the problem was that mom was very specific about us not being allowed in the woods. There was nothig inherently wrong with the woods, save that we nearly ruined whatever we were wearing when we entered the woods. This is why mom forbid us in the woods. At the time it was beyond my ability to comprehend why she would not want us in the woods, even if it meant ruining clothes…

We went down to Ron & Deb's for new years. Deb got the boys cowboy boots. They have been wearing them nonstop. They were trying to wear them to do flooring work at Ron & Deb's. They also were crawling around on the floor scraping the toes of their boots up. They couldn't understand why I didn't want then to crawl around and scrape up their boots.

I then understood the ban on the woods when I was 9.

-- Eli


-- Eli

The Xmas curse

This marks the second year in a row that Ronda and I have been sick @ Xmas. This is rapidly making Xmas move lower & lower down the list of my favorite holidays. Based mainly on the sickness factor. We are at Keri & justin's for a few days. We are playing by ear.

I think I need to rest.


-- Eli

A little homegrown congregating

Last nite I had the ocassion to spend time with a buddy of mine at Maude's a local coffee shop Ronda & I used to frequent. I hadn't been there in years, so this was my first time since we moved back. We were gonna meet at Starbucks, but they were closing.

Nick was amazed and enthralled at my streetfighter in the making. Mainly because it either looks like it rolled off the set of Mad Max or outta a junk yard (depending on the light!). Not everyone sees my vision and is able to understand my art. He was able to appreciate, though.

As we often do when we congregate, we spoke of theology, God, church and many things that just aren't right with the world. I must confess, with each congregating, I enjoythe tines more and more. It was cold as we reclined outside. I would have liked a little warmer weather. It would have made the reclining and the motorcycle ride a little warmer. Who am I to complain?

Coffee was good, the congregating better. Nick is a well thought out and versed man. Also rough around the edges, like myself. I appreciate immensely the type of Christianity he bring to the table. The type I imagine is very much like Christ.

It's 40 minutes past when I was supposed to start working. I must go. I bid you adieu.


-- Eli

This time last year…

As I ran on Saturday through 'my woods' my thoughts wandered to last Xmas. We were in Georgia. I had just finished another term at school, having told my classmates not to expect to see me again as j was moving for work. I had a start date planned fo a new job (which was actually an old for a second time). Life seemed good from the vantage point I was at...

I remember my New Year's Resolution being I wasn't going to have another crappy year (as with all resolutions, that didn't go as planned). It seems that life has a way of working itself out. Dr. Ian Malcolm would say that 'life finds a way' due to chaos theory. I would say that God finds a way... Maybe through chaos theory as well.

The outlook for 2k10 is much better than 2k9.

We live in a different town. We both have jobs. We are having more family time. The family time we have is more enjoyable. It is hard to complain at this time.

We are not where we want to be and our hopes for this coming are high. I do believe we are in a place in our lives thAt we are going to be able to make our goals come true. It is going to take hard work and determinAtion along tons of prAyer, but it is possible.

I'm not resolving to not have another crappy year in 2k10, that's impossible ( as fAr as my power to control or effect it… although with God nothing is impossible, which is why I say as far as my power). My resolve will be for something that I can actually do…

-- Eli