New on the Celldweller Wish Upon a Blackstar Chapter 2 is the song Eon. It really speaks to me and expresses the feelings that I have regarding the last couple of years for me.
The other day I had the occassion to speak with someone about a potential ministry opportunity and as I did so I was able to share some of te struggles that I've had over the last couple of years. What I noticed wad how good it felt to be able to share these feelings to a prospective co-laborer in Christ, trusting him and God to do what needs to be done with those feelings and thoughts. I've felt that Eon catches the tension I feel for awhile and I'm just now getting around to sharing it. Here's the lyrics:
I'm pacing inside this empty room
Told to wait til my life's withdrawn
Uneasy, I'm waiting here anxiously
It's a waste and I won't wait another Eon
Endless night
Long for light
My head against this tomb
And pushing through
I'm pushing through
Facedown and pushing through
Trapped and isolated
Time is dislocated
Eternity is what a moment seems
When I can't feel anything
Erasing my final memories
They wont stop til my whole life's gone
Uneasy, I wait for normality
It's a waste and I won't wait another Eon
When life is gone without a trace
And hope is lost in times embrace
I won't wait or hesitate; I'm pushing through facedown
I won't wait or hesitate; I'm pushing through
If times a song, I won't wait for its reprise
I am done wishing farewells and goodbyes
I won't let this place overshadow my birthright
I won't wait another Eon
Impatiently, I'm cutting through the earth in front of me
Bone on stone, blood and sweat married
Can't hear the voice that whispers fears when my heart is pounding in my ears
All I see in my mind is not what I've left behind
But all the things I've been missing in that lost Eon
Trapped and isolated
Time is dislocated
Eternity is what a moment seems
When I am lost inside this dream
When I can't speak and I can't scream
And I can't feel anything
Several lines are worth noting:
Face down and pushing through- I have never given up. I have persevered. I'm gonna get a tattoo of the kanji for persevere, because I wasn't always sure I was coming out on the other side of this.
I am done wishing farewells and goodbyes
I won't let this place overshadow my birthright- sometimes I feel like all I can see or feel is the mistakes I've made. When they are all I see they feel like they overshadow my future. They won't as long as I don't dwell on them and give them the power to overshadow my future.
All I see in my mind is not what I've left behind
But all the things I've been missing in that lost Eon- similar idea, in order to move forward I have to stop dwelling on the past. I can never become who I'm supposed to be tomorrow of I never forgive myself for who I was yesterday.
The chorus- sometimes time feels like it slows to a blur, not one of speed but one where everything just goes by in slow motion. It's in those moments where I am most vulnerable to dwell on my fears and my screw ups. It's in those moments that it's most critical to focus on how far I've come by the grace of God.
I won't let this place (my past mistakes and my fears) overshadow my birthright
-- Eli
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